IronNoggin
Well-Known Member
Funnier than funny... copied from another forum
During this past Easter weekend visit from my four grandkids, it became clear that my two new dogs were in terror of them. My wife and I decided to try to remove their fear of small children. We came up with a great idea, an idea that came from our love of both our grandchildren and our dogs; an idea that ultimately went straight to hell.
Our grandkids live too far away to visit often, so we decided on using a child size doll. The doll would allow us to teach the dogs there was nothing to fear, and could be used when it suited our busy schedules. My wife loves yard sales and gauged that it was the best way to buy a doll while also enjoying one of her favorite pastimes. She brought back a used ventriloquist dummy instead, kind of a Howdy Doody looking thing that had been modified with some crude electronics, its body made of soft dense foam material. She was so proud.
Feeling a little foolish, I took the dummy outside and sat on the porch steps holding it in my lap, thinking that would be the least threatening position. That would allow my dogs a chance to associate a child directly with me, since they trusted me. After a lot of calling and soft talking the dogs slowly crept closer. I was thinking this could actually work, when things went bad. Just as the dogs got close enough to sniff the dummy I accidently hit the voice switch.
The sound of demonic childish laughter issued from the dummy. It gave me goose bumps. I don’t know who had modified this thing, but he was a weirdo. The dogs backed off and started growling. In my haste to turn off the voice I hit the mouth switch. The dummy started snapping its jaws like a demented snapping turtle. My dogs went into attack mode. I now think they were trying to rescue me from being bitten by the dummy, as they didn’t bite me; however the dummy was severely attacked.
I was trying to turn the damn dummy off, while not getting bit, hampered because one hand was rammed up the dummy’s back sides. I raised the dummy over my head in a vain attempt to save my arm and the dummy from the dogs, but that excited the dogs into attacking with even more gusto while climbing up my body to reach it. The dummy was still laughing and snapping its jaws like a hell demon, and one of the dogs got bit by its snapping jaw; apparently the idea of rescuing me didn’t include either of them getting bitten in the process. The dogs ran off. For days they wouldn’t come close to me, with or without the dummy, and I had to start all over to gain their trust.
After several days my dogs decided that so long as I didn’t have the dummy they would come to me again. When I tried to re-introduce them to the dummy they wouldn’t get within fifty feet of it. I thought maybe it was because the dummy didn’t really look like a kid, it looked like Howdy Doody, and that is a pretty scary look when you think about it. I got my wife to give it a make-over, which included repainting its face to look child-like, and darkening the orange hair to a more human hue. She used water soluble dark red paint that, when overlaid on the orange hair, looked auburn. My wife is an excellent artist and made the dummy look very much like a normal human child, even up close. When dressed in baby clothes it was quite life like. The dogs weren’t fooled. If anything they were even more scared of it.
This led to the next great idea and one step closer to hell. I have a fishing problem; my dogs always follow me into the river when I go fishing. I can’t even sneak out there. They love the river and they follow me, regardless of how many rocks I throw towards them or how sweetly (think loud four letter words) I urge them to go home. Water makes them crazy that way. I wouldn’t mind their company but; fly fishing requires a lot of space for the fly line to whip around in. The dogs not only crowd into that space where they can get hooked by the zipping around fly, but they also have an innate attraction to the very exact specific precise area where I want to cast to. If they aren’t too close to me to cast, then they are romping in the water where the fish are, not only scaring the fish but making it difficult to cast there. It makes fishing nearly impossible.
I had the brilliant idea that if I took the dummy with me the dogs would not follow me so closely. Brilliant! How to carry the dummy was the problem. My wife came up with the solution. She was so proud.
One of our children had left a baby carrying backpack, a modern papoose. We put the dummy into the papoose and off I went fishing. The beauty of this; it was out of my way for fishing, and light. As soon as the dogs saw the dummy they stayed well away from me. They followed me down to the river but kept far enough away that I could fish and they wouldn’t scare away the fish. I lit a cigar and took an occasional nip out of my hip flask as I fished. The slippery rocks under the water occasionally caused me to stagger as I regained balance, but that was normal. I was in fishing heaven. I was thinking this was one of my best ideas ever, unknowingly taking one large step closer to hell.
The river is occasionally used by canoers, airboaters, and kayakers. We all normally share the river peacefully. When I see them, I pull in my line allowing them to pass without getting caught in my fishing line. This particular time though I was facing down river and two college age girls in a canoe drifted quietly up behind me. They might have been so quiet because they were trying to figure out what I was carrying on my back; or out of horror when they thought they had come up on an abusive old man carrying a poor baby around in the river while fishing and smoking and drinking and stumbling around drunkenly.
Either way, I had no idea there was anyone around for miles. I was blithely smoking my cigar and occasionally taking a nip out of my hip flask and generally enjoying a blissful day of dog free fishing.
More to come...
During this past Easter weekend visit from my four grandkids, it became clear that my two new dogs were in terror of them. My wife and I decided to try to remove their fear of small children. We came up with a great idea, an idea that came from our love of both our grandchildren and our dogs; an idea that ultimately went straight to hell.
Our grandkids live too far away to visit often, so we decided on using a child size doll. The doll would allow us to teach the dogs there was nothing to fear, and could be used when it suited our busy schedules. My wife loves yard sales and gauged that it was the best way to buy a doll while also enjoying one of her favorite pastimes. She brought back a used ventriloquist dummy instead, kind of a Howdy Doody looking thing that had been modified with some crude electronics, its body made of soft dense foam material. She was so proud.
Feeling a little foolish, I took the dummy outside and sat on the porch steps holding it in my lap, thinking that would be the least threatening position. That would allow my dogs a chance to associate a child directly with me, since they trusted me. After a lot of calling and soft talking the dogs slowly crept closer. I was thinking this could actually work, when things went bad. Just as the dogs got close enough to sniff the dummy I accidently hit the voice switch.
The sound of demonic childish laughter issued from the dummy. It gave me goose bumps. I don’t know who had modified this thing, but he was a weirdo. The dogs backed off and started growling. In my haste to turn off the voice I hit the mouth switch. The dummy started snapping its jaws like a demented snapping turtle. My dogs went into attack mode. I now think they were trying to rescue me from being bitten by the dummy, as they didn’t bite me; however the dummy was severely attacked.
I was trying to turn the damn dummy off, while not getting bit, hampered because one hand was rammed up the dummy’s back sides. I raised the dummy over my head in a vain attempt to save my arm and the dummy from the dogs, but that excited the dogs into attacking with even more gusto while climbing up my body to reach it. The dummy was still laughing and snapping its jaws like a hell demon, and one of the dogs got bit by its snapping jaw; apparently the idea of rescuing me didn’t include either of them getting bitten in the process. The dogs ran off. For days they wouldn’t come close to me, with or without the dummy, and I had to start all over to gain their trust.
After several days my dogs decided that so long as I didn’t have the dummy they would come to me again. When I tried to re-introduce them to the dummy they wouldn’t get within fifty feet of it. I thought maybe it was because the dummy didn’t really look like a kid, it looked like Howdy Doody, and that is a pretty scary look when you think about it. I got my wife to give it a make-over, which included repainting its face to look child-like, and darkening the orange hair to a more human hue. She used water soluble dark red paint that, when overlaid on the orange hair, looked auburn. My wife is an excellent artist and made the dummy look very much like a normal human child, even up close. When dressed in baby clothes it was quite life like. The dogs weren’t fooled. If anything they were even more scared of it.
This led to the next great idea and one step closer to hell. I have a fishing problem; my dogs always follow me into the river when I go fishing. I can’t even sneak out there. They love the river and they follow me, regardless of how many rocks I throw towards them or how sweetly (think loud four letter words) I urge them to go home. Water makes them crazy that way. I wouldn’t mind their company but; fly fishing requires a lot of space for the fly line to whip around in. The dogs not only crowd into that space where they can get hooked by the zipping around fly, but they also have an innate attraction to the very exact specific precise area where I want to cast to. If they aren’t too close to me to cast, then they are romping in the water where the fish are, not only scaring the fish but making it difficult to cast there. It makes fishing nearly impossible.
I had the brilliant idea that if I took the dummy with me the dogs would not follow me so closely. Brilliant! How to carry the dummy was the problem. My wife came up with the solution. She was so proud.
One of our children had left a baby carrying backpack, a modern papoose. We put the dummy into the papoose and off I went fishing. The beauty of this; it was out of my way for fishing, and light. As soon as the dogs saw the dummy they stayed well away from me. They followed me down to the river but kept far enough away that I could fish and they wouldn’t scare away the fish. I lit a cigar and took an occasional nip out of my hip flask as I fished. The slippery rocks under the water occasionally caused me to stagger as I regained balance, but that was normal. I was in fishing heaven. I was thinking this was one of my best ideas ever, unknowingly taking one large step closer to hell.
The river is occasionally used by canoers, airboaters, and kayakers. We all normally share the river peacefully. When I see them, I pull in my line allowing them to pass without getting caught in my fishing line. This particular time though I was facing down river and two college age girls in a canoe drifted quietly up behind me. They might have been so quiet because they were trying to figure out what I was carrying on my back; or out of horror when they thought they had come up on an abusive old man carrying a poor baby around in the river while fishing and smoking and drinking and stumbling around drunkenly.
Either way, I had no idea there was anyone around for miles. I was blithely smoking my cigar and occasionally taking a nip out of my hip flask and generally enjoying a blissful day of dog free fishing.
More to come...
