made me laugh ,had to share

[tubbed out]

A man wakes up one morning in Newfoundland to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are
you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off of the roof the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

 

[Lipripper]

Joke thread....... Good idea

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom... Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'

 

[SteelyDan]

A man wakes up one morning in Newfoundland to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are
you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off of the roof the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

I had a good chuckle, nice joke!

 

[Bassblaster]

This is not a joke, but it should be.

A friend of mine in high school was working in a local grocery store. One day he is cleaning and restocking the shelves when a female customer approaches him. At this point he is cleaning the bottom shelf and has his head and shoulders stuck between the shelves when the customer asks:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I find the Kotex?"
Buddy, with his head stuffed in the shelving hears "Thumb tacks", not Kotex.
With a look of total innocents he pulls himself out of the shelf, looks the customer in the eye and asks:
"Do you want the ones you push in with your thumb, or the ones you drive in with a hammer?"

 

[Lipripper]

So, the first nun proclaims, "St. Pete, I once looked at a man bare behind with my eyes!" She then splashes water onto her eyes and enters the gates to heaven.

The second nun proclaims - with an outstretched index finger, "Oh St. Peter, I once touched a man’s penis with this finger!" Following instructions she then dips her finger into the holy water and enters the gates of heaven.

Suddenly the fourth nun pushes and shoves her way in front of the third! "Sister, Sister!” St. Pete states, “What seems to be the problem?!"

Fourth Nun announces, "If you think I'm going to gargle that water after she sits in it your ******' crazy!"

 

[wolf]

Drunks have the best sense of humor





A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling

Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy ****! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

 

[Bassblaster]

The Penis Study

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Canadians, unsatisfied with either set of findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 plus 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.