Huckleberry Finned

[IronNoggin]

Upon returning to The Hacienda from my last adventure offshore, I couldn’t help but notice that the “lawn” in the back forty (a somewhat bizarre combination of various grasses, moss, weeds and sundry unidentifiable plants that actually doesn’t look half bad when sheared to putting green height) had easily reached mid-thigh in height. My initial thought was to contact a couple of The Missuz’ relatives from Saskatchewan and have them wander by with their hay mower to whack the stuff back. But, realizing the “crop” would likely tower over my head well before that machine could be landed here, I set my mind towards other more immediate solutions…

Skeptically, I fired up the over-horsepowered lawn mower I had presented to my Wife as an Anniversary Present last year (we AIN’T getting into her reaction back then…) and ran an initial attack line through the grove. Man! That simply ain’t going to cut it! Literally. Thoughts of Agent Orange ran through my head as I struggled mightily to chop my way through 5 feet of the thick. Almost ten feet now, a half hour into it, and sweat pouring freely from every pore. Hmmmm… Best shut ‘er down and rethink this one…

From across the alley I heard the roar of a decent sized gas engine. Whassat? Peering over the fence I saw one of my neighbors grinning as he swung his new (HUGE!) weed-eater with abandon at the growth behind his garage! Aha! Inspiration!!!

Hey Buddy I cheerily said when he shut down for a moment, nice new toy you got there!
aYup, Biggest and Baddest I could find sez he with an even bigger grin. Methinks I could go logging with this baby.
Ya don’t say sez I sneakily hiding my own growing grin. I imagine that thing could knock back the jungle in my yard over here in no time flat!
Sure as hell could sez he, and he quickly strode over for a look. Yup, could likely do that job in less than an hour!

Just then the neighbor on the other side peeks over the fence, and offers me a Welcome Home!
Thanks Buddy, good to be back! Looks like the greenery has gotten a bit out of control though in my absence though!
Just so happens I got myself a new weed-eater, one Bad butt Machine Buddy, sez he, you need to get one! It could take that forest down in a matter of minutes!
Really sez I, my grin growing even wider. T’other neighbor here believes his machine is the Best On The Market – ummm… which do you suppose is actually the better machine?

Instantly both Gentz replied, Mine is of course! And each then mumbled something about their own toy kicking butt over the other’s. Excellent I thought…
How’s about a little Friendly Competition then I gently inquire (inner smirk now in jeopardy of escaping outer control).
Whatcha got in mind they chimed.
Well, howsabout we split the yard into two sections, and have at her. I’ll come along behind with the Bad butt Mower and vacuum up the mess…

NO hesitation! You Are ON! They yelled, eyeballing each other with a competitive look. Most Excellent. When Gentlemen? So, the “day after tomorrow” was agreed when all could be in attendance, hands shook and we parted ways to get back to barbeques and such…

The very next afternoon the first neighbor spies me and suggests we need to chat. Gonna rain tomorrow sez he. Likely should get onto that jungle this afternoon methinks.
Man, I am swamped with other To-Do’s sez I, let’s stick with the plan, and hope the predicted rain doesn’t happen until we’re done. OK he mumbles, and I wander back to the other tasks at hand.

In a mere matter of minutes, I hear the roar of a machine… somewhere close. REAL Close. Huh? Checked the back forty, and Yup, there is Neighbor Number One busily attacking the dense foliage! Just as I was about to ask what the hell he thought he was doing, Neighbor Number Two yells over the fence: CHEATER!! And within but a few moments he too had joined the fray! Weeds grass and all flying every direction, it was a downright Miracle to behold!

Never have I seen those two Gentz move so swiftly and with such determination! The air was right full of green stalks, stems, blades and duff! And all the while they cast evil looking grins at each other as the jungle rapidly gave way to their efforts! VERY Cool!

Gotta admit, the final outcome was a draw. But then the War of the Mowers commenced! I fired up LawnZilla, and both immediately ran for their own versions! Certainly didn’t take long for the back forty to once again resemble a putting green under the combined efforts of those three machines!

As we sat around enjoying the wobbly-pops I had secured for the occasion, they asked if I thought perhaps one Weed Whacker might look a little better to me than the other. Of course I wasn’t about to fall into that little trap, and suggested it may take a few more “Competitions” before I could make up my mind. They cheered to that, and of course I joined them.

Then Neighbor Number Two asked if I was likely to be away much of the summer again this year.
aYup, back to the briney I informed him.
Gonna make you a deal sez he. I’ll keep your yard free of doggy droppings (no small task with our Pack!) for the time you’re out.
What’s that gonna cost me queried I suspiciously.
Why you simply bring me along a few bottomfish or crabs each time you wander home. Done Deal!! Again the hands get shaken, and one more task from the Honey-Do List dealt with most reasonably!!!

All in all a very fine occurrence! Neighbor Number One did happen by later in the weekend, and asked if I could possibly be related to ol’ Huckleberry Finn. Nope, sez I, but perhaps Tom Sawyer, as I do believe it was he who worked with his Buddies to get that ol’ fence whitewashed!

Cheers,
Nog

 

[scott craven]

United we stand, divided, we do all the f**king work by our selves.
Good story Nog !

 

[Bassblaster]

Great story NOG
Totally entertaining!

 

[tubber]

Great tale, Nog. You'll soon have them paying you for the pleasure of a good day's work. Here's part of a Twain version.


Tom contemplated the boy a bit, and said:
“What do you call work?”
“Why, ain’t that work?”
Tom resumed his whitewashing, and answered carelessly:
“Well, maybe it is, and maybe it ain’t. All I know it suits Tom Sawyer.”
“Oh, come now, you don’t mean to let on that you like it?”
The brush continued to move.
“Like it? Well, I don’t see why I oughtn’t to like it. does a boy get a chance to whitewash a fence every day?”
That put the thing in a new light. Ben stopped nibbling his apple. Tom swept his brush daintily back and forth - stepped back to note the effect - added a touch here and there - criticized the effect again - Ben watching every move and getting more and more interested, more and more absorbed. Presently he said:
“Say, Tom, let me whitewash a little.”
Tom Considered, was about to consent; but he altered his mind:
“No-no-I reckon it wouldn’t hardly do, Ben. You see, Aunt Polly’s awful particular about this fence - right here on the street, you know - but if it was the back fence, I wouldn’t mind, and she wouldn’t. Yes, she’s awful particular about this fence; it’s got to be done very careful; I recon there ain’t one boy in a thousand, maybe two thousand, that can do it the way it’s got to be done.”
“No-is that so? Oh, come now - lemme try. Only just a little - I’d let you, if you was me, Tom.”
“Ben, I’d like to, honest injun; but Aunt Polly - well, Jim wanted to do it, but she wouldn’t let him; Sid wanted to do it, and she wouldn’t let Sid. Now, don’t you see how I’ fixed? If you was to tackle this fence and anything was to happen to it --”
“Oh, shucks, I’ll be just as careful. Now lemme try. Say - I’ll give you the core of my apple.”
“Well, here - No, Ben, no you don’t. I’m afeared --”
“I’ll give you all of it!”
Tom gave up the brush with reluctance in his face, but alacrity in his heart. And while the late steamer Big Missouri worked and sweated in the sun, the retired artist sat on a barrel in the shade close by, dangled his legs munched his apple, and planned the slaughter of more innocents. There was no lack of material; boys happened along every little while; they came to jeer, but remained to whitewash. By the time Ben was fagged out, Tom had traded the next chance to Billy fisher for a kite in good repair; and when he played out, Johnny Miller bought in for a dead rat and a string to sing it with - and so on, hour after hour. And when the middle of the afternoon came, from being a poor poverty-stricken boy in the morning, Tom was literally rolling wealth. He had, besides the things before mentioned, twelve marbles, part of a jew’s-harp, a piece of blue bottle-glass to look through, a spoon cannon, a key that wouldn’t unlock anything, a fragment of chalk, a glass stopper of a decanter, a tin soldier, a couple of tadpoles, a kitten with only one eye, a brass door-knob, a dog-collar-but no dog - the handle of a knife, four pieces of orange-peel, and a dilapidated window-sash.

He had had a nice, good, idle time all the while - plenty of company - and the fence had three coats of whitewash on it! If he hadn’t run out of whitewash, he would have bankrupted every boy in the village.

Mark Twain

 

[Kristo]

Well written Nog...
Yard work is a curse....especially when you could be doing something better.....fishing
But be carefull allowing another man to do your husbandly chores.... you may truly get your grass cut

 

[Pippen]

Funny story Nog.

 

[IronNoggin]

But be carefull allowing another man to do your husbandly chores.... you may truly get your grass cut

LOL! Not overly likely methinks. She's put up with this tired ol' Redneck far too many years to start huntin' the spring chickens now. Besides, the way that Woman shoots, methinks I'd be quick under that sod were She interested in gettin' shed of me.

Thanks for the quote Tubber. Always did admire Twain's style of writin'. Only part I missed the mark on was getting THEM to pay for the beer!

Cheers,
Nog