http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry...almon-dozens-dead_us_589a34a5e4b061551b3e04bc
02/07/2017 04:33 pm ET
David Fagin Writer, musician, food snob
Cheyenne, WY.
In a scene right out of a horror movie, a grizzly bear burst into a school of young salmon and ate them all. The scale of the destruction is unprecedented for this small Wyoming town. The salmons’ parents are understandably furious with the school’s head master, claiming he knew something fishy was going on and still did nothing. He’s being accused of trying to play all the anglers. However, the parents say the reel cause of the attack is due to the lack of guns in salmon schools.
“As a community of salmon, we are a grizzly’s arch enemy. How else can we be expected to defend ourselves from these natural predators if we’re not permitted to carry guns? said one father, or mother. It’s hard to tell the sex of a salmon. Kind of like Chaz Bono.
“Since the beginning of time, grizzlies have gobbled us up and there’s been nothing we could do about it. They’re so big and strong and we’re just tasty and delicious. It’s like living in a fish bowl”, said another parent.
A relative of a cajun-flavored salmon killed in the attack was a bit more animated and tweeted, “Holy mackerel! Are we just supposed to flounder around like helpless victims for the rest of eternity? We need guns in our schools now to prevent more of these types of atrocities! #BlackenedLivesMatter!”
Betsy DeVos, newly confirmed Dept. of Ed. Head, commented, “See!? I told you! The second amendment to the Codstitution gives every fish the right to bear arms against bears!” She then went back to reading a second-hand copy of Ruining the Country for Dummies.
President Trump, arriving on the scene yesterday afternoon, used the tragedy to promote his inaugural crowd, stating, “This is a terrible tragedy. Not unlike the tragedy of the media saying the crowd at my inauguration was smaller than President Obama’s. Also, you can see my fly is wide open and, contrary to what they say on CNN, I am not hung like a minnow. I’m huge.”
Addressing the crowd full of concerned salmon, the president went on to say, “Seriously, though, if you’re so scared of these grizzlies, wait ‘til our friends at Monsanto pump you full of GMO’s. You won’t need guns. You’ll be huge. No grizzly would want to f%$k with a nine-foot, 330lb. salmon. You’re welcome.”
Then, late last night, in a move that stunned conservationists everywhere and created a backlash amongst many of his piers, the president inexplicably called for an immediate ban on Scottish, Norwegian, and Mexican salmon, saying, “It’s the smoked salmon from outside our borders, some of whom dress in drag, that are corrupting our nation’s streams and rivers and luring the grizzlies to attack because they smell so good. We must protect our nation’s fish from these evil outsiders.”
Steve Bannon, the president’s top advisor and known whitefish supremacist, agreed. “We need to keep the foreign salmon out. The last thing we need are more jiggers,” he boldly stated.
While numerous celebrities have come forward to criticize the ban, including former Desperate Housewives’ star Teri Hatchery, Alevin of Alevin and the Chipmunks, hall of fame pitcher John Smolt, Allstar outfielder Mike Trout, and legendary sole singer, Dave Prater, of 60s R&B duo Salmon Dave, the president defends his decision, saying the order wll pass without a snag.
“Everyone supports the ban. Don’t believe the tadpoles from the left. They’re all fake newts.”
Cheers erupted from the first roe of planted Trump supporters, while some in the back, not willing to let the president off the hook, called him a clueless chum.
A statement released just moments after the attack by Dr. Rod Enhand, the attending physician leading the team of sturgeons tending to the wounded, said, “I hope this incident doesn’t spawn several more copy catfish killers. Let’s all agree to try a little tartar.”
A paper examining all grizzly attacks in 2016, and the general public’s views towards having guns in salmon schools, will be published in March by the Babbling Brookings Institute.
“Fin”
02/07/2017 04:33 pm ET
David Fagin Writer, musician, food snob
Cheyenne, WY.
In a scene right out of a horror movie, a grizzly bear burst into a school of young salmon and ate them all. The scale of the destruction is unprecedented for this small Wyoming town. The salmons’ parents are understandably furious with the school’s head master, claiming he knew something fishy was going on and still did nothing. He’s being accused of trying to play all the anglers. However, the parents say the reel cause of the attack is due to the lack of guns in salmon schools.
“As a community of salmon, we are a grizzly’s arch enemy. How else can we be expected to defend ourselves from these natural predators if we’re not permitted to carry guns? said one father, or mother. It’s hard to tell the sex of a salmon. Kind of like Chaz Bono.
“Since the beginning of time, grizzlies have gobbled us up and there’s been nothing we could do about it. They’re so big and strong and we’re just tasty and delicious. It’s like living in a fish bowl”, said another parent.
A relative of a cajun-flavored salmon killed in the attack was a bit more animated and tweeted, “Holy mackerel! Are we just supposed to flounder around like helpless victims for the rest of eternity? We need guns in our schools now to prevent more of these types of atrocities! #BlackenedLivesMatter!”
Betsy DeVos, newly confirmed Dept. of Ed. Head, commented, “See!? I told you! The second amendment to the Codstitution gives every fish the right to bear arms against bears!” She then went back to reading a second-hand copy of Ruining the Country for Dummies.
President Trump, arriving on the scene yesterday afternoon, used the tragedy to promote his inaugural crowd, stating, “This is a terrible tragedy. Not unlike the tragedy of the media saying the crowd at my inauguration was smaller than President Obama’s. Also, you can see my fly is wide open and, contrary to what they say on CNN, I am not hung like a minnow. I’m huge.”
Addressing the crowd full of concerned salmon, the president went on to say, “Seriously, though, if you’re so scared of these grizzlies, wait ‘til our friends at Monsanto pump you full of GMO’s. You won’t need guns. You’ll be huge. No grizzly would want to f%$k with a nine-foot, 330lb. salmon. You’re welcome.”
Then, late last night, in a move that stunned conservationists everywhere and created a backlash amongst many of his piers, the president inexplicably called for an immediate ban on Scottish, Norwegian, and Mexican salmon, saying, “It’s the smoked salmon from outside our borders, some of whom dress in drag, that are corrupting our nation’s streams and rivers and luring the grizzlies to attack because they smell so good. We must protect our nation’s fish from these evil outsiders.”
Steve Bannon, the president’s top advisor and known whitefish supremacist, agreed. “We need to keep the foreign salmon out. The last thing we need are more jiggers,” he boldly stated.
While numerous celebrities have come forward to criticize the ban, including former Desperate Housewives’ star Teri Hatchery, Alevin of Alevin and the Chipmunks, hall of fame pitcher John Smolt, Allstar outfielder Mike Trout, and legendary sole singer, Dave Prater, of 60s R&B duo Salmon Dave, the president defends his decision, saying the order wll pass without a snag.
“Everyone supports the ban. Don’t believe the tadpoles from the left. They’re all fake newts.”
Cheers erupted from the first roe of planted Trump supporters, while some in the back, not willing to let the president off the hook, called him a clueless chum.
A statement released just moments after the attack by Dr. Rod Enhand, the attending physician leading the team of sturgeons tending to the wounded, said, “I hope this incident doesn’t spawn several more copy catfish killers. Let’s all agree to try a little tartar.”
A paper examining all grizzly attacks in 2016, and the general public’s views towards having guns in salmon schools, will be published in March by the Babbling Brookings Institute.
“Fin”
