Tell Your Best Joke

Super Bowl Tickets !!

If you know of anyone interested please let me know:
A good buddy of mine has 2 Super Bowl tix, 40 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. Prob b/c of the extra game this year. If you’re interested, he’s looking for someone to take his place...It's at Calvary church in San Clemente at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be in the white dress,
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A convoy of Mennonite buggies are snaking their way through the country roads all the way from Elmira to Ottawa to demand their right to quilt whatever patterns they so choose.

“Who’s Trudeau to say I’ve got to make a Star of Bethlehem or Nine Patch?” shouted Mrs. Bauman from the back of her buggy. “This is a free country and if I want to sew myself a Center Diamond or Trip Around the World pattern that’s my prerogative!”

The Mennonites are up in arms about the new restrictions, which they believe might also affect their ability to stuff sausages as they choose.

“I don’t need the government telling me what to stuff my sausage with,” explained local butcher Mr. Brubacher. “A man’s smoked meat is his own business!”

The Mennonite buggies plan to gather on Parliament Hill and stay there until Trudeau himself comes out to speak to them.

“We’re hoping to win him over with sausage and quilts,” said Mrs. Bauman. “At the very least we’re hoping our non-violent hymn singing and frowny faces will persuade him.”

The City of Ottawa sanitation department has already assessed the situation and say they don’t believe the presence of a couple thousand Mennonite buggies and their accompanying horses will make any discernible impact on the level of horseshit in the capital.
 
“Canada will always be there to defend the right of peaceful protest.”
-J. Trudeau, Nov. 30, 2020.

He forgot to add, "Except when they are protesting against me or my policies. Then I vilify them and hide".


Now that's funny!
 
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"
 
I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"

"Because we've got no teeth", she replied.

"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.

"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."
 
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push the stroller back home.
 
Three old ladies are in a car. They get pulled over, and the policeman asks the driver why she's doing 15 in a 90 zone, because driving that slow on a highway is dangerous. The driver says "That sign says it's a 15 km/h speed limit!". The policeman says "Oh no ma'am. That says you are on Highway 15. This is a 90 zone." Driver: "Ok, thank you. I was about to call the cops because I was the only one not doing 90 in a 15 zone." Cop: "If I may ask though, why do your passengers look terrified?" Driver: "Oh, they're fine, we just turned off Highway 245."
 
A guy walks into a large crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol, and yelled I have a 45 caliber colt 1911 with a 7 round magazine and one in the chamber.
I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife.
A voice calls out from the back of the room, " You"ll need more Ammo"
 
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