A good FUNNY thought I would share

A Woman's Perfect Day

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh-in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed-freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants;open presents- expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner

9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil

10:00 Light work-out at club with ***y, funny personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave

12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe

12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notice that she has gained 22lbs

1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit

3:00 Nap

4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer

4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk-says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body

5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe

7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers

10:00 Hot shower- alone

10:50 Carried to bed. freshly ironed, crisp, white linen

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms


A Man's Perfect Day


6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blow job

6:30 Massive, satisfying **** while reading the sports section

7:00 Breakfast-steak and eggs, coffee and toast-all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Several beers en route to the airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet

9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (******** en-route)

9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)

11:45 Lunch-steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Peringon

12:15 Blow job

12:30 Play back nine (4 under)

2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)

2:30 Fly to Bahamas

3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot

4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)-on light tackle

5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle Macpherson

6:45 ****, shower and shave

7:00 Watch news-Michael Jackson assassinated

7:30 Dinner-lobster appetizers, Dom Peringon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits

9:30 *** with three women, all with lesbian tendencies

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer

11:30 Night-cap blow job

11:45 In bed alone

11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room

11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep
 
Three guys fishing in the boat.

First guy says: Man you wouldn't believe what I had to do to go fishing today, I had to promise the wife I'd clean the gutters, toilets and my workbench before dinner.

Second guy says: That's nothing. I had to promise to take my wife to the shoe store tommorow morning, wait for her at the hair salon before lunch, take her to the dress shop in the afternoon, and the opera tomorrow night.

The third guy's just siting there fishing like nothing in the world's bothering him. The other guys, waiting for his tale of woe finally said... What did you have to promise your wife?

Nothing... When the alarm rang, I just rolled over and said fishing or ***, and she said "have a nice time fishing dear."

Cheers!
 
Only a Canadian can truly appreciate this!

A woman from Vancouver , who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland near Lake Cowichan , Vancouver Island . There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered an endangered spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground.

The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away in Duncan . She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help. The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

He smiled and said, 'Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada , BC Forest Service and Worksafe BC before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'


OH CANADA
 
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community..



After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during *** and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.



So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.



So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having ***. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.



After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have *** with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.



When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fukkin' towel!'

And remember....Keep your tip up!!!
 
HOW TO START A FIGHT:

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the

weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly

undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto thundered around a corner into a box canyon pursued by 60 Commanches better known as the butchers of the staked plains, as the Lone Ranger yanks his horse to a sliding halt he yells at his faithful sidekick Tonto " Looks like we are trapped here Tonto"

After a moments silence Tonto answered " What do you mean we white man ????"

AL
 
A Letter to Mens help line;

Hey Mate, really need your advice for a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating. The usual signs; phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up; going out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat I noticed... a "hairline crack" in the outboard mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
 
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A man and lady was laying in bed watching a **** movie when the man took the remote and switched to a fishing show, the lady remarked why did you do that, you already know how to fish?
 
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice. The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's British Columbia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful highlands, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and ocean. The people from British Columbia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance." God smiled, "Not very far from British Columbia is a place called Ottawa.............Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
 
New name for tight jeans on fems........whispers, cause you can see the lips moving but no sound.
 
Thought id reserect this thread as we need some humor ......all this bad news we need something to laugh at....

God Loves Drunk People Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
... standing in the pouring rain,
is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband,
"it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.

"NO, I did NOT, it's 3am in the morning
and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down,
and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
"God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told,
gets dressed,
and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.



"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
 
Missing Wife Found by Alaska Troopers

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage

man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your

wife", said one of the troopers. "Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkins
exclaimed. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have
some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which
would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my Gosh," exclaimed Wilkins. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's
the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five
pound king crabs and 6 good sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her and
we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkins demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's

the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.”
 
Custody Battle
TORONTO, ONTARIO (AP) - A seven-year-old Toronto, Ontario boy was at the center of a Toronto city courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
 
As Grandma (or was it Grandpa) said:
marry a girl with small hands,
it makes your penis look bigger.
 
Three men were sitting at the bar discussing what they had gotten their wives for valentines day, The first man said he had bought his wife a hat and a necklace, that way if she didnt like the hat she would be happy because he was sure she would like the necklace

The second man said he had bought his wife a scarf and a ring, that way if she didnt like the scarf she would be happy because he was sure she would like the ring

the third man said he bought his wife a fishfinder and a vibrator that way if she didnt like the fishfinder he could have it and she could go F*** herself
 
A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.

'Why not?' asked the man.
...
'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.

'But I need it really bad,' said the man.

'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.

The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.

The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's office...his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?'

The man said, 'No one showed up.' . . .
 
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room. Donald desperately wanted to have sex with Daisy.
Daisy's bedroom eyes made it clear that she was in the mood. "Do you have a condom, Donald?", she asked.


Donald frowned and said, "Nnnno."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't use a condom, they could not be making love. "Maybe ask the Concierge in the Lobby," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and quietly inquired of the gentleman if he had condoms. "Yes I do, Sir" the Concierge said as he discretely pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.


The very accommodating man asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill, Sir?"


"Thit No, Man!" Donald quacked loudly, "I'd motht thertanly thuffocate!"
 
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