Tell Your Best Joke

Rye Bread
Two old retired gentlemen, one 72 and one 75, were sitting on a park
bench one morning.
The 75-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short
of breath. The 72-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked
him what he did to have so much energy.
The 75-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 72-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the
3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this **** but me!!!"
 
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After the mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
Next Sunday the new priest decided to take the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning, he felt nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon returning to his office, he found a note on the door that said:
– Sip on the vodka, don’t gulp.
– There are 10 commandments, not 12.
– There are 12 disciples, not 10.
– Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
– Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not “Bet his butt.”
– We do not refer to Jesus Christ as “the late J.C.”
– We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
– The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as “Daddy, Junior and the Spook.”
– David slew Goliath, he did not “Kick the crap out of him.”
– When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we do not say that he was “Stoned off his butt.”
 
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THE CONFESSION
Hi Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been feeling guilty these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you, but at least I'm telling you now in a text message as I feel bad about you not knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife a lot lately. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been able to get it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was too much. I feel so guilty and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. It won't happen again. Please suggest a usage fee and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE ACTIONS
Fred, feeling betrayed and insulted, grabbed his gun (he is an American!)
rushed next door and shot his neighbour dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa to reflect. Then he took out his phone and saw he had a second message from his neighbour:
SECOND MESSAGE
Hi Fred, Alan here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I guess you figured it out anyway - the damned Auto-Correct changed ‘wi-fi’ to 'wife.’ Technology, hey?
Regards, Alan
 
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand ...
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.."
(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either
 
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A nice looking redhead walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?” The man replies, “No, what do you mean?” She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts and within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him and says, “Did you call for me?” Then newcomer replies, “No, what do you mean?” The hairy man replies, “You must be new. It's a rule that if you fart it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist and she says, “May I help you?” The man yells, “Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee!” She replies, “But Sir, you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.” The man replies, “Listen lady, I'm an older guy. I only get an erection once a month and I fart 35 times a day.”
 
The Cupboard
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My Dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for? "Boy -"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard now"
 
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an
accident. After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid
his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand, but after changing gears, he
let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,
'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized. 'Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went
on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up
Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek; further up, you will
find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a
great opportunity.
 
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August".....................
 
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this Father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a heavy set old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son… “Go get your Mother.
 
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