Awsome Joke
- Thread starter Charter Tofino
- Start date
ReelAffair
Active Member
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little *******. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
He asks. " No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to crap out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little *******. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
He asks. " No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to crap out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
E
EmptiesInTheSwanson
Guest
Ahh haha Gunsmith, I was about to use that joke but you beat me!
I heard they were going to creamate his body and melt him into lego so he could still play with kids
I heard they were going to creamate his body and melt him into lego so he could still play with kids
#65279;
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money....
cheers ferret
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money....
cheers ferret
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see , Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
cheers ferret
"Well ya see , Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
cheers ferret
wolf
Well-Known Member
BLACK TESTICLES
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, the nurse overcomes embarrassment and pulls back the
covers. The nurse raises the patient's gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.
Then, the nurse takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, the nurse overcomes embarrassment and pulls back the
covers. The nurse raises the patient's gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.
Then, the nurse takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
S
Significant Other
Guest
GOTTA PEE
Two women friends had gone on a short trip together.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and going home they needed to pee, so they stopped in
the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath
with a ribbon on it. So she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife, who was still in bed hung over. So he phoned
the other husband and said: 'These girl trips have got to stop! I'm
starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card
stuck to her butt that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''
Two women friends had gone on a short trip together.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and going home they needed to pee, so they stopped in
the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath
with a ribbon on it. So she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife, who was still in bed hung over. So he phoned
the other husband and said: 'These girl trips have got to stop! I'm
starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card
stuck to her butt that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''
H
HOOTEY
Guest
....rotflmao,,,out loud enough for my neighbour to start laughing at me....lol.
Time
Well-Known Member
TICK WARNING!
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it
myself a couple times unintentionally but this one is real, and it's
important.
Please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and turn around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it
myself a couple times unintentionally but this one is real, and it's
important.
Please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and turn around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
Time
Well-Known Member
The blonde goes to see the surgeon who had performed the operation for a post-operation followup check.
All is well and the doc asks if she has any other questions.
The blonde replies only one: "When can I resume my *** life?"
The doc is visibly taken aback by the question and doesn't answer immediately.
The blonde then questions him if he hasn't been asked such a question before.
The doc replies, "Yes, but never after a tonsillectomy".
All is well and the doc asks if she has any other questions.
The blonde replies only one: "When can I resume my *** life?"
The doc is visibly taken aback by the question and doesn't answer immediately.
The blonde then questions him if he hasn't been asked such a question before.
The doc replies, "Yes, but never after a tonsillectomy".
3 soldiers are caught by the shiek in his haremtent the shiek says you will be punished according to what your job in life was. the shiek says to the first soldier what was your job? a policeman the soldier replys alright ladies shoot his penis off.the next soldier replys to the shiek i was a fireman alright thats it burn his penis off.the shiek then looks at the third trembling soldier and repeats the question what did you do in life the last soldier quicklyrepliesi was a lollypop salesman.
wolf
Well-Known Member
Thought with all this in fighting on here latly I would reserect a good joke or two so heres one for you guys enjoy!!!!!!!
DEER CAMP
Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do what ever you want."
So, here I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL LOVE THIS
Wolf
DEER CAMP
Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do what ever you want."
So, here I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL LOVE THIS
Wolf
wolf
Well-Known Member
Had to share with you guys!!!!
TARZAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had ***?
'Tarzan not know ***' he replied.
Jane explained to him what *** was.
Tarzan said ‘Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'
Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?'
Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'
Blue Wolf Charters
www.bluewolfcharters.com
TARZAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had ***?
'Tarzan not know ***' he replied.
Jane explained to him what *** was.
Tarzan said ‘Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'
Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?'
Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'
Blue Wolf Charters
www.bluewolfcharters.com
