Awsome Joke

C

Charter Tofino

Well-Known Member
Bigredsnapper sent me this. You guys will appreciate it haha






A pretty young blonde woman in Vancouver was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young seaman saw her teetering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning. If you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her waist and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.

The blonde nodded. What did she have to lose?
Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in the bowels of the ship.

From then on, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit every night, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, the blonde was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the seamen," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii, and in return he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Nanaimo Ferry."
 
Good one heres one for you guys as well

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'



I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'



So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...



'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'



She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'



Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.



The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time

with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'



We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.



I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She

was almost nearing sxual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all

dear, let's go to the cashier.'



I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it..'



Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,

'WHAT?'



I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'



And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I

added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'



Apparently I'm not having sx tonight either.....

but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.
 
Wolf... That was supremely satisfying... I should have been that smart years and years ago. I'd have been driving a nice new boat by now instead of a 10 yo Escort!

Cheers!
 
Here another one

Hillbilly Births or for some REDNECK BIRTHS

Deep in the back woods of Baxter County, ARKANSAS, near Mountain Home, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.



Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there,' said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up; don't set it down.... There's another one!' said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern. It seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . .. .

'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'






Blue Wolf Charters
www.bluewolfcharters.com
 
OH my god a new classic for ALL of us men!!!!!

Her diary, his diary. :)</u>

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.

I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.





HIS DIARY:

The boat wouldn't start today and I can't figure out why,
but at least I got laid


Blue Wolf Charters
www.bluewolfcharters.com
 
The Sensitive Man:
A woman meets a man in the bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for anobviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself
thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips..

He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, = and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
 
Wolf...... That last joke was a real good one.... I shouldn't read your jokes early in the morning.... Coffee evrywhere now....lol. But I must admit.... that is just like a man.... thanks for the laugh....... Steve.

And remember....Keep your tip up!!!
 
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
 
Time, that was too funny.

Did you hear about the old guy in the nursing home?
He's sitting in his wheelchair while the nurse is pushing him throught the gardens. He starts to lean to the left, more and more. The nurse quickly grabs him and sits him upright. Then he starts to lean to the right, further and further. Once again the nurse props him up. Then he starts leaning forward. Afraid he might fall out, the nurse tilts him back, and settles him into his chair.
Just then, the man's son comes to visit him. He asks his dad how he's doing.
"Pretty good," he replies, "But the darn nurse won't let me fart."
 
quote:Originally posted by Time

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Click to expand...


Got a good laugh off that one ;)

Splitshot
 
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
 
Did you hear Michael Jacksons Yacht sank off Sooke a few years back?

They found him clinging to a buoy

too soon...?
 
quote:Originally posted by Captain Dudds

Did you hear Michael Jacksons Yacht sank off Sooke a few years back?

They found him clinging to a buoy

too soon...?
Click to expand...

His last words: take me to the childrens hospital
 
"Crissscoooo"

A little old man is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!"

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3."

The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere"

The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?"

The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?"

"Lard butt."



Blue Wolf Charters
www.bluewolfcharters.com
 
Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can get closer to the sink.[:0]
 
Since Captain Dudds started it...lol.
Why does Micheal Jackson like twenty eight year olds???
Cause there are twenty of them.

And remember....Keep your tip up!!!
 
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