Tell Your Best Joke

Discussion in 'General Open Forum' started by Stizzla, Sep 4, 2018.

  1. Stizzla

    Stizzla Crew Member

    I'll go first.
    This girl turns 18 and decides to celebrate she wants to get a tattoo. She’s a big hockey fan so she decides on a portrait of her favourite player of all time, Wayne Gretzky, and thinks it would be sexy on her inner thigh.
    The artist completes the piece and she looks at it disappointed. She said it doesn’t look like Wayne Gretzky at all. The artist says he thinks it does but he’ll do another one of wayne free of charge on the inside of the other thigh.
    After that one is done, she looks and says it doesn’t look like Gretzky either...
    The tattoo artist, now quite upset, gets the other artist from the shop to come over to inspect. He asked who the tattoos look like, and the guy responds,
    “I don’t know who the wingers are, but the center is definitely Lanny McDonald!”
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2018
    Roast, Hookin'up, Oly1 and 6 others like this.
  2. Stizzla

    Stizzla Crew Member

    Sorry @Admin. You might end up having to clean up this thread regularly.
    bigdogeh, bigdogg1 and Rain City like this.
  3. scott craven

    scott craven Well-Known Member

    Two old buddies in their 90's been friends forever..
    one is turning 100 and his pal wants to get him something really good
    as it may be his last birthday.
    He calls a cat house and speaks to a girl about servicing his friend.
    "I don't care how much it costs as long as you give him super sex"
    The girl calls on the old boy and says "I'm here to give you super sex."
    Old guy looks at her and says "If it's all the same to you I'll take the soup"
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2018
    Aces, bigdogeh, BCRingo and 2 others like this.
  4. Dave H

    Dave H Well-Known Member

    Two cops were on patrol when they spotted an elderly and obviously distraught man sitting on a park bench.

    One cop approached and asked the old fella what his problem was.

    "Well, officer," he said. "It's my wife."

    "My first wife passed away, may she R.I.P., and my second wife is a Russian bride. She's blonde, only 26 years old and really good-looking.
    She's great. Keeps the house spotless. Cooks all my favorite foods. And the sex is unbelievable, two or three times a night, so it's all I can do to stay up with her."

    Puzzled, the cop asks: "So then, just why are you so upset?"

    The old guy replies:

    "I can't remember where I live."

    Take care.
    lazoman, sly_karma, Oly1 and 8 others like this.
  5. SpringFever552

    SpringFever552 Well-Known Member

  6. Tockeyetalmon

    Tockeyetalmon Active Member

    Old man goes to his doctor for advice. He's very upset and says " doc there's something wrong with my wife and I'm worried about her" doctor asks "what do you thinks wrong with her sir?" He replies "well doc I don't know for certain, but I do know that she either has Alzheimer's or AIDS, and I jus for the life of me can't tell wich one" the doctor thinks for a second and replies "Ok, easy, bring her out to the middle of the desert, drop her off, and leave her there, if she comes home, don't F#ck her!
    heliman, Aces, bigdogeh and 2 others like this.
  7. Aces

    Aces Well-Known Member

    DFO cares about rec fishers

    The end
  8. Stizzla

    Stizzla Crew Member

    Oh come on! I started this thread to get away from fishing politics. That’s a pretty good one though!
    Aces, bigdogeh and ILHG like this.
  9. RiverBoy

    RiverBoy Well-Known Member

    a man walks up to the bar and orders three shots. when he is finished he pulls something out of his breast pocket, shudders and orders three more. he keeps this up for several rounds.

    Finally the bartender walks up and asks the man, “ what are you doing? you pound three shots and then look at something in your pocket.”

    The man replies, “it’s a picture of my wife. As soon as she looks good , i’ll go home.”
    SteelyDan and Aces like this.
  10. Newf

    Newf Well-Known Member

    Two drunk buddies are having a chat and one says to the other, " I think I'm gonna divorce the wife." His buddy says, " Now why would you be thinking that?" He replies, "well when I go home drunk, which is only once or twice a month, she will go a week or two without even speaking to me so I think I'm gonna get rid of her." After a long pause his buddy replies, " Now if it were me, I would give that a little more thought,, cuz women like that are hard to find."
    Aces likes this.
  11. PatyO'Furniture

    PatyO'Furniture Active Member

    how does The Rock go pee?

    he dwaynes his johnson
  12. Rain City

    Rain City Crew Member

    You had to invite them to take it down lol. Best joke lost.
  13. Stizzla

    Stizzla Crew Member

    I’m sure you have more where that came from!
  14. Rain City

    Rain City Crew Member

    Nah I'm a one trick pony.
  15. wildmanyeah

    wildmanyeah Crew Member

    Haha here is the punch line

    I just put my balls in 18 holes....

    Let's make like Tom and Cruize.....
  16. Rockfish

    Rockfish Well-Known Member

    From all the coverage recently on John McCain he apparently like to tell Jokes. This one I kind of liked.

    A couple of guys are in prison, having dinner and one says "this prison food is absolutely terrible and the other guy says " yea, it was a lot better when I was Governor".
  17. SSwilson92

    SSwilson92 Active Member

    Grandpa has his grandson Johnny for the weekend so they're rolling around together and first stop is the beer store. Grandpa gets a case of beer and as they're leaving little Johnny asks "grandpa can I have one of those?" Gramps responds "well son is your dick big enough to touch your ass?" defeated the youngster responds no. Next stop is the corner store for grampas cigarettes. Gramps buys his smokes and sure enough as curious young kids do little Johnny asks "Grandpa can I have a cigarette?" Gramps responds again "Well son, is your dick big enough to touch your ass?" Crushed yet again little Johnny responds no. They get to the truck and grandpa pulls out two scratch and win tickets and hands one over to his grandson. So they're scratching away and sure enough little Johnny has a winner.. TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS! Gramps looks over at little Johnny and says well you know, since I bought that ticket you have to split the winnings with me. Little Johnny replies "Grandpa, is your dick big enough to touch your ass?" "Sure is!" he says with a smile. Little Johnny turns and says "Then go F*ck yourself!
    Roast, bigdogeh, Viking and 4 others like this.
  18. profisher

    profisher Well-Known Member

    Two elderly ladies are on a drive on a sunny day with their dogs. The lady driving says I feel like a drink lets stop somehwere and have a cocktail. They pull up to a bar and head in with their dogs. On the door is a sign no dogs allowed. The lady driver says put on your sun glasses and says to her friend ....follow my lead. So in they go with the dogs and sit at the bar. The bartender comes down quickly and says hey ladies didn't you see the sign on the door? The dogs have to go. The lady driver says this is my seeing eye dog and is legally allowed to be in any public space with me. The bartender says oh really they are using Doberman Pincher's for guide dogs? She says yes and in fact I got the first one and I think this is the best guide dog I have ever had. The bartender says well ok but that other dog can't stay. The other lady says this is my seeing eye dog. The bartender says yeh your gonna tell me they are using Chihuahua for guide dogs? The lady says : They gave me a f$cken Chihuahua?!?!
  19. pescador

    pescador Well-Known Member

    Me : What's the wifi password?

    Bartender : you need to buy a drink first.

    Me : Okay, I'll have a coke.

    Bartender : Is Pepsi ok?

    Me : Sure, How much is that?

    Bartender : 3$

    Me : There you go. So what's the wifi password?

    Bartender : you need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
  20. Sotally Tober

    Sotally Tober Well-Known Member

    A blind man walks into a store and picks up his guide dog by the tail and spins it around over the blind man's head.
    The store clerk asks the blind man if he needs any help.
    The blind man replys: 'No, I'm just looking around'

    Sorry PETA if I offended you!
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2018
    Matthew S. and RiverBoy like this.

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