Tell Your Best Joke
- Thread starter Stizzla
- Start date
I go for a swim week nights with a buddy at the Esquimalt pool. More of a social then anything else and better than sitting on the couch watching TV. One of the ladies we chat with comes over to us and my buddy says..you notice how polite all us guys in the pool are? She says pardon me. He repeats it again and she says what do you mean? He says to her....well all you ladies in here are all about 90% naked in your bathing suits. She says...ok???? He says well we are all so polite because we are only looking at the parts that are covered up!!!
Filletandrelease
Well-Known Member
Hitler shows up at the pearly gates unannounced. He ask St. Peter if there was a chance he could get into heaven. St. Peter asked him his name and looks him up in the big book. “Ah. Adolf Hitler. It says here you are clearly slated for Hell”. Hitler replies and says” yes I know but is there a chance you can make an exception?” I’ll have to ask my boss the saint says. He calls down Jesus who looks at Hitler, looks at the book and says I see no reason to let you into heaven. Hitler then says , tell you what. If you let me in I’ll give you my coveted iron cross. Jesus is intrigued so he says, let me go ask my dad. Jesus goes to God’s house and says” Hey dad. There’s a guy at the gate who is clearly slated for hell but we let him in here he will give me his coveted iron cross. God is clearly not happy and roars back... Iron Cross Iron Cross!!??!! Jesus, you couldn’t even carry a wooden cross !!
casper5280
Crew Member
https://www.facebook.com/190104264468935/posts/1629912210488126?sfns=mo
Not a joke but pretty dam funny
Not a joke but pretty dam funny
Fishmyster
Well-Known Member
When I searched my mind for all the good jokes I started to realize I am one perverted bas#$rt! So I've got nothing to share.
Sharphooks
Well-Known Member
An old, blind dude mistakenly ends up in an all dyke biker bar. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels, then yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar falls silent. In a husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair - given that yer blind - that you should know five things: One, The bartender is blonde and has a baseball bat. Two: Our bouncer's also blonde and keeps a billy-club. Three: I'm a 6-foot tall, blonde and have a karate black belt. Four: The woman next to me is a professional weight lifter and happens to be blonde, too. And Five: I happen to know the blonde lady to your right is a cop with an itchy trigger finger.
"So think about it seriously, buster...You still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind guy thinks and quietly mutters, " Well, I guess not, especialy if I'm gonna have to explain the goddamn thing 5 separate times"
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar falls silent. In a husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair - given that yer blind - that you should know five things: One, The bartender is blonde and has a baseball bat. Two: Our bouncer's also blonde and keeps a billy-club. Three: I'm a 6-foot tall, blonde and have a karate black belt. Four: The woman next to me is a professional weight lifter and happens to be blonde, too. And Five: I happen to know the blonde lady to your right is a cop with an itchy trigger finger.
"So think about it seriously, buster...You still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind guy thinks and quietly mutters, " Well, I guess not, especialy if I'm gonna have to explain the goddamn thing 5 separate times"
Lucky Streak
Active Member
That one reminds me of one of my favorites;
Fishmyster
Well-Known Member
This might be a little off topic but something interesting none the less.
Last year I learned pigeons die after copulation!!
Well the one I slept with did.
Last year I learned pigeons die after copulation!!
Well the one I slept with did.
Newf
Crew Member
I didn't check to see if this one was already posted..
A State Trooper pulled an 87-year-old woman over for speeding.
As he looked at her driver's license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a conceal weapon permit. Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask, “Do you have a gun in your possession?”
She replied in her crackly voice, “Indeed, I do. Why I have a 45 automatic in the glove box.”
The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons.
She replied, “I have a 9 mm Glock in the center console.”
The shocked trooper asked, “Is that all the weapons you are transporting?”
The little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse.”
Finally, the astonished trooper asked, "What are you afraid of?”
And the little old lady smiled and replied: "Not a F***ing Thing
A State Trooper pulled an 87-year-old woman over for speeding.
As he looked at her driver's license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a conceal weapon permit. Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask, “Do you have a gun in your possession?”
She replied in her crackly voice, “Indeed, I do. Why I have a 45 automatic in the glove box.”
The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons.
She replied, “I have a 9 mm Glock in the center console.”
The shocked trooper asked, “Is that all the weapons you are transporting?”
The little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse.”
Finally, the astonished trooper asked, "What are you afraid of?”
And the little old lady smiled and replied: "Not a F***ing Thing
Sharphooks
Well-Known Member
The Baby Photographer
Mr. Jones was told he had a low sperm count so he & Mrs. Jones reluctantly decided they'd better hire a surrogate to help start their family. On the special day Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "Well, honey, I'm off. That guy should be here very soon."
Half an hour later, a passing baby photographer rang the doorbell in hopes of making a door-to-door sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am. You don't know me but I've come to --"
"No need to explain", Mrs. Jones cut in, "I've been expecting you."
"You have??", the photographer asked. "Well, then good! You see I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped for", smiled Mrs. Jones. "Please come in and have a seat. But tell me -- just how do we start?", she asked, blushing.
"Okay, leave everything to me", the man replied. "Usually I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and then perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun, too, because we can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? Lordy, no wonder it never worked for Herbert and me..", mused Mrs. Jones.
"Well, Ma'am, I can't always guarantee a good one every time but if we try a lot of positions, and if I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be most pleased with the results."
"But I was really hoping that we could get this done rather quickly."
"Oh no, Ma'am. In my line of work a professional must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes but you'd be quite disappointed if I did that, I'm sure."
"Well that is kinda true, I guess..", giggled Mrs. Jones.
The photographer opened his briefcase and proudly handed her a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"We made this one on the top of a bus in the midtown area."
"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering how their mother was - umm, a somewhat difficult customer."
"Why, so difficult?", Mrs. Jones inquired.
"Well it turned out that I finally had to take her out to Central Park to get her comfortable. We gave it a go on top of the big rocks, then out in a row boat but finally settled for doing it beneath a spreading tree. But passersby got curious and pretty soon we had a small group craning their necks for a better look."
"A group?", Mrs. Jones' eyes were the size of silver dollars.
"Yes indeed", said the photographer. "The job took me more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly complaining and squirming out of position. Between her and all the people it was very difficult to concentrate. So with sunset approaching, I began to rush my shots and finally had to pack it in when squirrels began nibbling my equipment."
"You mean they actually chewed on your ..eq.. equipment??"
"God's truth", he laughed, "But now Ma'am, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?!!"
"Certainly - you see, I need a tripod for my Canon because it's far too heavy to hold while I'm getting everything ready."
* * *
"Ma'am? Ma'am?....Holy cow, she's run out the back door!”
Mr. Jones was told he had a low sperm count so he & Mrs. Jones reluctantly decided they'd better hire a surrogate to help start their family. On the special day Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "Well, honey, I'm off. That guy should be here very soon."
Half an hour later, a passing baby photographer rang the doorbell in hopes of making a door-to-door sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am. You don't know me but I've come to --"
"No need to explain", Mrs. Jones cut in, "I've been expecting you."
"You have??", the photographer asked. "Well, then good! You see I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped for", smiled Mrs. Jones. "Please come in and have a seat. But tell me -- just how do we start?", she asked, blushing.
"Okay, leave everything to me", the man replied. "Usually I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and then perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun, too, because we can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? Lordy, no wonder it never worked for Herbert and me..", mused Mrs. Jones.
"Well, Ma'am, I can't always guarantee a good one every time but if we try a lot of positions, and if I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be most pleased with the results."
"But I was really hoping that we could get this done rather quickly."
"Oh no, Ma'am. In my line of work a professional must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes but you'd be quite disappointed if I did that, I'm sure."
"Well that is kinda true, I guess..", giggled Mrs. Jones.
The photographer opened his briefcase and proudly handed her a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"We made this one on the top of a bus in the midtown area."
"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering how their mother was - umm, a somewhat difficult customer."
"Why, so difficult?", Mrs. Jones inquired.
"Well it turned out that I finally had to take her out to Central Park to get her comfortable. We gave it a go on top of the big rocks, then out in a row boat but finally settled for doing it beneath a spreading tree. But passersby got curious and pretty soon we had a small group craning their necks for a better look."
"A group?", Mrs. Jones' eyes were the size of silver dollars.
"Yes indeed", said the photographer. "The job took me more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly complaining and squirming out of position. Between her and all the people it was very difficult to concentrate. So with sunset approaching, I began to rush my shots and finally had to pack it in when squirrels began nibbling my equipment."
"You mean they actually chewed on your ..eq.. equipment??"
"God's truth", he laughed, "But now Ma'am, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?!!"
"Certainly - you see, I need a tripod for my Canon because it's far too heavy to hold while I'm getting everything ready."
* * *
"Ma'am? Ma'am?....Holy cow, she's run out the back door!”
wildmanyeah
Crew Member
I'm gonna beat ya, like your on a fishing trip with your faaather
