Fish Assassin
Crew Member
SNOW IN VICTORIA
6:22 a.m. Temperature plunges. Word spreads that a Victoria man has
found ice on his windshield! Curious neighbours gather to watch him
scrape it off with a credit card. One motorist, a former Albertan,
claims that use of mysterious "defrost" switch on dashboard can aid in
process.
9:30 a.m. Canadian Tire has sold both of their snow shovels.
Islanders begin cobbling together implements made from kayak paddles,
umbrellas, plywood, cookie sheets and boogie boards.
10 am. Golfers switch to orange balls. Beacon Hill Park cricket
players, anxious not to repeat the ugly "snow blower incident" of the
Blizzard of '96, switch to orange uniforms.
Noon: Word of impending West Coast snowfall tops newscasts across
Canada. Saskatoon hospitals report an epidemic of sprained wrists
related to viewers high-fiving one another.
1:20 pm. Elementary schools call in grief counsellors. However, the
grief counsellors refuse to go, citing lack of snow tires.
2:30 p.m. Rush hour begins an hour early as office workers come down
with mysterious illness and bolt for home. Usual traffic snarl is
compounded by large number of four-wheel-drives abandoned by side of road.
2:50 p.m. Airplanes are grounded and ferries are docked. There's no
way to travel between the Island and rest of the world. The Victoria
Times Colonist newspaper headline blares: "Mainland cut off from
Civilization."
3:22 p.m. Prime Minister Harper announces Canada 's DART
rapid-response team can be on the ground within six months." We can't
leave Victoria to deal with 225 centimetres of snow on its own," he
tells Mayor Fortin.. "Um, that's two to five centimetres, not
two-two-five," replies the Mayor. The Prime Minister, feeling
foolish, hangs up.
3:33 p.m. Provincial government responds to crisis by installing slot
machines in homeless shelters.
4:10 p.m. At behest of Provincial Emergency Program people,
authorities begin adding Prozac to drinking water.
4:15 p.m. Fears of food shortages lead to alarming scenes of violence
and looting. Grocery shoppers riot across the city - except in Oak
Bay, where residents hire caterers to do rioting for them.
4:30 p.m. Bracing for the arrival of snow, the city is gripped by an
eerie stillness reminiscent of Baghdad on the eve of the invasion.
Searchlights comb darkening sky for first sign of precipitation.
4:48 p.m. Panic ripples across the region as word comes in that the
first flakes of snow have fallen on the Malahat. False alarm!
"Flakes" turn out to be nothing more than anthrax spores released by
terrorists. An uneasy calm returns to the city.
5:40 p.m. Television reporter, Ed Bain, shaking uncontrollably, tells
viewers that snow warnings have been extended. This weather pattern
could go on for days. Mercury is plummeting to Calgary-in-August
levels. Martial law is considered. Victoria-area politicians announce
plans to establish an emergency command centre aboard HMCS Regina once
it reaches Oahu.
And so it goes.....
6:22 a.m. Temperature plunges. Word spreads that a Victoria man has
found ice on his windshield! Curious neighbours gather to watch him
scrape it off with a credit card. One motorist, a former Albertan,
claims that use of mysterious "defrost" switch on dashboard can aid in
process.
9:30 a.m. Canadian Tire has sold both of their snow shovels.
Islanders begin cobbling together implements made from kayak paddles,
umbrellas, plywood, cookie sheets and boogie boards.
10 am. Golfers switch to orange balls. Beacon Hill Park cricket
players, anxious not to repeat the ugly "snow blower incident" of the
Blizzard of '96, switch to orange uniforms.
Noon: Word of impending West Coast snowfall tops newscasts across
Canada. Saskatoon hospitals report an epidemic of sprained wrists
related to viewers high-fiving one another.
1:20 pm. Elementary schools call in grief counsellors. However, the
grief counsellors refuse to go, citing lack of snow tires.
2:30 p.m. Rush hour begins an hour early as office workers come down
with mysterious illness and bolt for home. Usual traffic snarl is
compounded by large number of four-wheel-drives abandoned by side of road.
2:50 p.m. Airplanes are grounded and ferries are docked. There's no
way to travel between the Island and rest of the world. The Victoria
Times Colonist newspaper headline blares: "Mainland cut off from
Civilization."
3:22 p.m. Prime Minister Harper announces Canada 's DART
rapid-response team can be on the ground within six months." We can't
leave Victoria to deal with 225 centimetres of snow on its own," he
tells Mayor Fortin.. "Um, that's two to five centimetres, not
two-two-five," replies the Mayor. The Prime Minister, feeling
foolish, hangs up.
3:33 p.m. Provincial government responds to crisis by installing slot
machines in homeless shelters.
4:10 p.m. At behest of Provincial Emergency Program people,
authorities begin adding Prozac to drinking water.
4:15 p.m. Fears of food shortages lead to alarming scenes of violence
and looting. Grocery shoppers riot across the city - except in Oak
Bay, where residents hire caterers to do rioting for them.
4:30 p.m. Bracing for the arrival of snow, the city is gripped by an
eerie stillness reminiscent of Baghdad on the eve of the invasion.
Searchlights comb darkening sky for first sign of precipitation.
4:48 p.m. Panic ripples across the region as word comes in that the
first flakes of snow have fallen on the Malahat. False alarm!
"Flakes" turn out to be nothing more than anthrax spores released by
terrorists. An uneasy calm returns to the city.
5:40 p.m. Television reporter, Ed Bain, shaking uncontrollably, tells
viewers that snow warnings have been extended. This weather pattern
could go on for days. Mercury is plummeting to Calgary-in-August
levels. Martial law is considered. Victoria-area politicians announce
plans to establish an emergency command centre aboard HMCS Regina once
it reaches Oahu.
And so it goes.....
